First Lebanese Bouldering Championship | Beirut, LB

I’m in Lebanon for December and was planning to focus on outdoor climbing the whole month, but I got a membership at U Rock to train on their tension board and climb when it’s rainy. Everyone there is super friendly and I quickly fell in love with the small but tight climbing community in Lebanon! On my second day there during a group sesh on the tension board, everyone kept asking if I signed up for the bouldering comp coming up. I’m not much of a boulderer, and not much of a comp climber, so I wasn’t really planning on competing. Everyone seemed psyched for the comp though, and I figured it would be a fun way to meet more climbers, so they convinced me to sign up for it right before they closed sign-ups… Why not, I just hoped I wouldn’t end up last. I could sign up for the intermediate or advanced group, and seeing that I was a little weaker on the tension board than some of the people going for the intermediate category, I picked that.

The day of the comp, I showed up excited to hang with people and check out the bigger climbing gym in Beirut. There were 3 qualifier problems, and 6 people would make it through to the finals. The problems didn’t seem too hard, but I was still nervous going into it. I flashed 2 of the 3 qualifiers, and squeaked out a top on the third problem after 1 failed attempt. At that point it seemed like only people with 3 flashes would make it through to the finals, but I didn’t have a ride home and I wanted to watch the others climb, so I stayed. Luckily, only 3 people flashed everything, so my score ended up being enough to go to finals! I was already stoked to make it that far.

The final boulders definitely seemed trickier, but still not too hard. I was pretty confident I could top all of them after a few attempts. The first one was the easiest of the three, and I snagged a flash along with some of the other finalists. Already, a couple of people weren’t able to top it, putting me ahead of them so far! Now that I actually had a shot at a podium spot, I was getting really stoked. I went on to the next problem, which so far no one had been able to top. It was definitely a good bit harder than the other problems I’d done. The crux was getting from the zone hold, a vertical pinch, to a crimp near it, and then dyno to the finish. My first try, I went up with my right hand to the pinch, which put me in a tough position to cross over to the crimp. My second attempt went much better, I tried going to the pinch with my left, cutting feet, then catching the crimp with my right hand. That should have been it, but I was already a little pumped, and only managed to get one hand on the finish before slipping off. I still had plenty of time, so I took a minute to rest and get my heart rate down, and sent it on the third try! Definitely a challenge to read and dial down the moves, but the grade was probably no more than V3/V4. I walked away elated that I was doing so well.

In isolation, it became clear that no one was able to top that route, and the third route also sounded like a struggle. It was a cave climb with decent holds and slopey slab finish. I really wanted to top out all 3 problems, so I rehearsed the beta in my head a bunch till it was my turn. Throughout the whole process, sitting in iso with the other climbers was definitely the highlight. Everyone was mad supportive, and I was a little embarrassed to be the only one with 2 tops so far. I was sure someone else would catch up soon. When it came my turn to try the last problem, I went out determined to send. I started out exactly as I had planned, and made the decision to skip a hold in the cave that looked pretty tough to catch. Because of that, I had to toe hook match on an undercling, and that nearly got me. I managed to make the move just barely holding on. After that, I knew I could get the top, so I fought hard to flash this one. Surprisingly, the sloper everyone had been slipping off felt pretty good to me! I matched and rocked up onto the slab, and got the top on my first try! The crowd was excited, and I jumped down not fully believing what had just happened. Walking back into iso, I was already hearing people talking about me ending up in first place. No way|.

After we all finished, it really looked like I was gonna place first! I was shocked and ecstatic. I really wanted to break into the climbing community here, and it felt like I was really making a name for myself with this performance. I grabbed my stuff from iso and walked into the audience to watch the finals, happily fist bumping and thanking everyone congratulating me. How lucky am I to so quickly be welcomed into this epic group of crushers!

At this point, my dad and brothers came by to pick me up. But now that I seemingly won, I couldn’t leaver until they announced results and took pictures of everyone! I was pretty happy to stay and watch the advanced category finals. The atmosphere was so awesome to be part of. Everyone was invested in the climbers doing their best. It was hard not to. The competitors were doing a fantastic job, climbing hard and even sending routes I suspect the routesetters did not intend for anyone to finish! Watching the last few climbs from the audience was a core memory. The entire room was silent as each climber worked their way to the crux, “allez”‘s and “yalla”s enthusiastically swept the crowd as some competitors made sick moves to the zone. Aw’s and claps followed each attempt, an air of respect tangible for each burn. I decided then and there that I would make it back next year for the advanced comp.

As the last climbers finished their time, I had lost track of who was in the lead. Everyone did a phenomenal job, and I was reassured after watching them that I picked the right category to sign up for; I was right on the fence between advanced and intermediate. My technique and route reading skills were definitely beyond the others in the intermediate group, but my power and finger strength were a world away from the advanced group. Still, I couldn’t help feel a little guilty, like I had unintentionally hustled them. All that went away as they announced the results though. I stood in first place, and Charbel whom I had become friends with at U Rock and during the comp snagged a well-deserved second place! Unfortunately some of the other intermediate climbers who were deserving didn’t manage to place, especially Omar who had out-climbed me in the qualifiers. He kept giving me shit for not being in the advanced crew lmao. All that aside, I’m over the moon that I was able to take part in the FIRST national bouldering championship in Lebanon. Here’s hoping I’m back for the next tournament next year (and double hoping they introduce lead hehe). Until then, I’ll be spending my time on the tension board and climbing outside whenever I can!

// Folowup: Some pictures from the great outdoors

TR Anchor Cleaning Demo | Gunks, NY

Someone made this tiktok of me showing the climbing club how to clean an anchor last trip! Already got roasted in the comments for not making my PAS redundant lol even tho i have the pas + the rope at all times! 😡 but whatever my haters are my motivators baby

Flatirons Freesolo and Trad | Boulder, CO

Disclaimer soloing is super duper dangerous do NOT do it unless you fully understand and can manage the risks involved, and know what you’re getting into; rock quality, route, weather, approach, descent, etc….

So I had been toying with the idea of free soloing the second flatiron ever since someone mentioned it to me. The route was a 5.4 with a 5.6 ish start, but grades mean nothing when it’s friction slab! After reading all the mtp descriptions and comments though I was feeling pretty good about it.

I hiked up to the base of the climb, and switched from hiking to climbing shoes. I didn’t have a bag, so I just left my hiking shoes at the base and figured I’d come back for them after a quick barefoot hike down (this was dumb).

I start up the climb, and felt very comfortable with the style and flow of the climb, so I committed. A switch clicked in my brain, and now that the only way out was up, I put away any fear and focused on just climbing well.

It was magnificent. The climbing was awesome, the views were amazing, and it was so freeing to be on rock again.

Halfway up the climb there’s a ledge you can either jump off of to get back on the main wall or downclimb it to get there. I was planning on jumping, but got spooked and decided to downclimb. This was a good choice; you gotta know where your head’s at when you free solo, and if you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. And I was not feeling a full on jump 400ft off the ground.

I forge on ahead and made it to the summit in a sweet 25min of climbing. A local who was also soloing the route kindly snagged some pics of me at the top.

After that I started the hike down, barefoot. Of course, I got lost and could not find my way back to the base where I left my shoes. Skip ahead 30min of painful downhill hiking, I finally figured out the way after asking a bunch of trailrunners and hikers for help. I put on my shoes and made it back to the trailhead.

Overall it took about 2 hours, and was an unforgettable climb.

The next day, I led the first flatiron with my PI from undergrad! Charles was an awesome partner; so great to catch up with him and have quite the adventure. We started up the route around 3:30pm. After 6 spicy, long pitches, we get to the top, but have 2-3 more pitches traversing the ridge to get to the rap station at the summit. By now it’s starting to get dark, and we still have to hike back down after! I manage to speed lead the last few pitches just as it was getting dark and by the grace of god I spot the rap station just as everything goes black. Charles follows with a headlamp, and we rap down. Of course we then get lost on the descent and have to hike around for a good 2 hours before making it home. I get back at 11:30pm, realize I left my keys in my crag pack, which we decided to go back for in the morning because we had no idea how to get back to the base. Soooo I broke into my cabine through the bedroom window and passed out so fast. Best sleep I ever had, and the next morning Charles decided to go trail running (an insane chaotic choice after our tradventure) and he got my bag back for me! MVP follower take notes everyone.

All in all, phenomenal trip. So stoked I was able to make it out here and adventure! Thanks Colorado

Carbs and Caffeine 5.11a | The Gunks, NY

I’m sick and at home and homesick for ze rocks, so I thought I’d write about my proudest trad follow to date (instead of spending more time webmding if i need a tonsillectomy?? ps if anyone is a throat doc hit me up). I don’t think I have any good pics of carbs and caffeine but here’s a pic of eric on the dangler from earlier that same day, similar vibes.

But so yeah every time I tell anyone I lead trad (and then explain what that means) I get the same response “wow that’s so [sick / stupid] don’t you get scared??” and I’m not a big stupid baby so of course I’m not scared but in a much more real sense I am veryyy a big stupid baby yes of course I get scared. And this was one of the spookiest rides I’ve been on so buckle up.

Carbs and caf starts with a 5.9 slab pitch that I’ll admit I was a little cocky leading, and the crux put me in my place no problem. Halfway up the climb I reach a blank section a couple feet above my last cam, and an arm’s reach from a thin vertical crack above me; the only next hand holds and the only spot to put another piece in. So my options are make the big reach to the crack with no protection, or throw a cam in it without really being able to see. Not ideal however you slice it. But I’m getting spooked and not in the mood for a whipper before I have to follow my first gunks 5.11, so I grab a cam that looks about the right size, reach up to the crack and pray my feet don’t slip before I put it in. Fully stretched on my tippy toes, I wedge a finger in the crack to feel out a good spot, think/hope/pretend it’s a decent placement, and stick the cam in it (I think it was a blue or black totem, whichever is smaller, which inspires confidence).

Side note I’m listening to florence and the machine while writing this and damn she has the BOPS. Seriously check out her tiny desk concert she’s magic.

Ok are you ready for this as soon as I clip my rope in and try to make the next move up I realize I PUT THE DUMB CAM WHERE I NEED MY DUMB HAND TO BE. So I try to reach higher but it feels bad, so Eric is like “you got this jad move your feet” which is good advice that I follow in the worst way I could think of. And somehow I end up almost horizontal, on worse foot holds than before, and further away from the crack??? By the time I realized I done goofed I was already falling. I had absolutely no faith in the blind placement above me, I fully expected it to pop out, but the one below was bomber so I wasn’t too spooked. But you know what? IT HELD BABYYY. The rope caught me and I looked up and thought “what the fuck that actually worked???” which got a few laughs from the people watching below. I do it all for the fans. But seriously thank god for totems I could kiss every engineer in that company if I could.

So that was my first real trad fall! Not too bad right? It gets worse lol. So I get up the first pitch and belay Eric up, then he gets ready to lead the 11a pitch. And after that fall I’m feeling…. less confident. But then I watched him cruuuuuiiiiisseee up it and I was like 😮 me too me too me too

He basically sends it, rumor may have it that he maybe slipped post-crux but in my perception of reality he sends. I lower him to the ground and then it’s my turn to get on it. And yall. I fuckin CRUSHED it. UNTIL I get to the last move before the anchors, and I spend an HOUR fighting with this cam trying to get it out. Let me paint you a picture: I’m already clipped into the anchor, I already fought for the top and made it, I’m hanging off a horizontal ledge with a crimp on my right hand and a heel hooked left foot. I’m pumped out of my mind, and only making worse when I keep having to lock off and fight this stupid little cam. And I mean FIGHT. That lil critter would! not! budge! I was pushing! I was pulling! I was yanking and yoking and scratching and yelling (should i turn this into a dr seuss book??)

So IMAGINE how i felt when a literal hour later, I asked to get lowered down, in utter defeat and more forearm pain than I ever thought possible, only for Eric to inform me that the damn cam WAS ALREADY THERE BEFORE US. Apparently it’s been stuck there for a hot minute, months if not years. I felt a little better about not getting it out and a lot worse for wasting so much time there, but at least it was a good workout and a good story.

Anyway I’m gonna go google if I can give myself a tonsillectomy just to avoid the US healthcare system wish me luck!

Chimneys tendies and corgis (oh my!) | The Gunks, NY

Well fellas, we all knew it was coming we just didn’t know when. I’m no stranger to tendon sprains, but this one felt especially cruel of the universe. After many long months last winter spent nursing one tendon tweak after the other, I was finally getting my confidence back. I was feeling comfortable trying hard, and I’d been religious about warming up and hangboarding to avoid getting hurt again, and literally the one time I tried crimping, I dry fire and hit the ground with one fewer finger pulley than I went up with 😡

I had to cancel my thanksgiving trip to the red, which was the light at the end of the tunnel getting me through this semester. After a few days of moping and being a potato, I decided I would try to go to the Gunks for one last trip while the weather was nice. I knew it was too soon to be climbing again, but fuck it there’s always a reason not to go outside and I just wanted to make the most of a sucky situation without making it worse. I would only do a couple of climbs, nothing harder than 5.6, and avoid crimps.

My climbing hero and guru Eric generously gave me and my group a ride up to the gunks. Once we were there, Eric and his partner went off to do their own thing, while I led Danny and Grace up to Jackie and friends. Oh and did I mention? This was Cannon’s first trip to the crag!!!

We started on Jackie and made it up both pitches in pretty good time for a party of three. It was a beautiful day and stoke was very high.

Feeling bold after this first climb, I convince Grace and Danny to follow me up Big Chimney. It’s a 5.6 multipitch that starts basically in a giant narrow crack that runs deep through the cliffside. Here’s a picture of it from mountain project. It follows the chimney crack up, to the right, then you go even deeper in the crack and climb inside it until it gets too narrow to fit (you can kind of see it narrowing at the top of the picture) then you exit the crack and climb the face of the cliff for the third and final pitch, topping out amid pine trees and gorgeous gorgeous fall views.

The others were feeling…. unsure about this one. But what they supplied in rational caution I countered with completely unreasonable stoke for a big ole chimney. And stoke always wins :)) So I got started on P1, it was a short one with a spooky exposed finish and kind of a weird anchor at the top, but thankfully there was a party ahead of me and I just copied what they did to set up the belay for Danny and Grace. And god bless their hearts for putting up with my insanity the two of em made it up, and this is the three of us at the top of P2, nice and cozy in our little chimney.

After that we squeezed and shimmied and crawled our way up through the second pitch and exited the crack. I snagged a pic of Danny emerging from the chimney and making his way to the top of P2. Pitch 3 was all face climbing but it was still dope. Super fun overhang to start that goes into chill 5.5 jughauling; here’s Grace wrapping it up. And finally we top out and take a victory group pic where you can’t see the view behind us and can barely see us lol.

Overall it was a crazy fun day. So so thankful to these guys for making it such a fun trip, and super grateful I was able to take them up this silly superb chimney climb even with a tweaked finger. We hiked back down to the base, and were welcomed by an ecstatic corg who had been patiently waiting. We packed our things and started the hike back to the car, carrying heavy gear, full hearts, and one very happy very fluffy pupper.

Columbia Climbing Club Trip | Rumney, NH

*record scratch*
*freeze frame*
yup… thats me

Being belayed by my knight in shining cow onesie on the pumpiest 5.10d in the whole wide world. And I didn’t have to take at every bolt this time!

But ya I made it back up to rumney this season finally thank GOD. It was a blast even though it was not neeeaarrly enough time. And yall i dont wanna brag but im like feelin *stronk* hehe or maybe its just because i have all my tendons this time around idk but either way we did some GUD! CLIMB!

Trip highlights include GORGEOUS gorgeous foliage, sendyyyyy temps, and good ole climb club bonding. I retroflashed know ethics, onsighted millenium falcon, made it to the top of buried treasure, got a high point on lions tigers and bears, and finally hopped on the second pitch of tropicana (which was stellar! exciting funky exposed!) and generally just had a great time with the columbia climbing club. I probably won’t make it back up this season unless there’s a mad warm weekend in november, but if I only get one rumney trip this season I’m glad it was that one :)))

coming down after tropicana

Unimpeachable Groping 5.10b | Red Rock, NV

05:00AM – an orchestra of alarms rings throughout our airbnb as Raf, Lia, and I roll out of bed. I feel bad for the other people there who aren’t joining us, but then I remember I feel more bad for us and the sufferfest ahead. Raf makes us a giant thing of scrambled eggs while Lia and I load up the car with the gear we had set aside last night. Ropes, quickdraws, slings, lockers, shoes, harnesses, belay gear, water…. “Got everything we need?” “idk i hope so” and with that we were off !

06:00AM – We pull into the parking lot just in time for sunrise (first car there babyy), put our packs on, and start the hike. Winds come at us at somewhere between 27 and five zillion miles per hour, and forecasted to only get worse. Raf and Lia ask if we should turn back. I tell them they’re being big babies, even though deep down I am also a big baby and agree that it might be too cold to climb and too loud to hear each other on the wall. But whatever I want cloimb 😡 so we agree to at least commit to the hike and see what it’s like when we get to the base of the route.

08:00AM – 2 godforsaken hours of steep uphill hiking/trail finding later (thank god for cairns), we finally make it to the base of the climb. We’re pretty sure it is anyway – the guidebook told us to look for a pine tree marking the start. Like o great thx uhhhh except there are approximately five million pine trees around us??? But anyway we did it and the wind had died down and the sun was feelin nice, so we got ready to climb.

09:30AM – Lia leads the first pitch, Raf follows her, and I bring up the rear. I make the last-minute decision to go up without my jacket because “stoke will keep me warm” (spoiler: it did not). We meet at a hanging belay at the top of P1 and swing leads – I link pitches 2 and 3 and belay the others up to a nice ledge. Pretty chill, very flowy balancy moves that I felt super comfy on, so far so great!! This climb lives up to the hype.

12:00PM – We take a quick lunch break and engage in general shenanigans while we rest and get ready for the rest of the climb. Raf decides he’d rather not lead, which is music to my ears. I grab some draws and get after it. It starts with a juggy roof move, then two pitches of sweet sweet 10b slab.

12:10PM – I pass the P4 anchor and realize mid climb that I forgot my grigri at the belay ledge… But it’s cool it’s ok no prob no prob I had an atc so i guess we chillin

12:12PM – I pass a second anchor or rap station, but it’s way too close to be the P5 anchor so I decide it’s probably an extra rap station and decide to push on.

12:15PM – Still at it, good good moves on good good rock, except I don’t see an anchor and I’m starting to run low on draws hehehe delightful. Was the rap station I passed actually the anchor I was supposed to stop at? How many more bolts to the next anchor I dont see it yet why god why do i like this silly little sport. I count ten draws left on me, and I’m seeing at least ten more bolts above. Okay so I have to skip a bolt or two that’s fine. I skip the next bolt and clip the one after it – all good? plz?

12:16PM – I realize I also forgot the TR anchor on the belay ledge below so I need to save two draws to set up a TR. Okay.. Sooo I have to skip like three bolts fine whatever. I try to focus on climbing well and keep an eye out for easy sections to run out. Good thing I was comin up on the P5 crux :)))))))))))))))

12:18PM – Keep climb. Keep seeing bolts. Keep not seeing anchor. I get spooked and ask Lia how much rope is left and ope whaddaya know I was past the halfway mark and no one yelled it out HAHA cool so I can’t lower back down to them ok the only way out is up I guesssss

12:19PM – what do what do what do count bolts count draws the numbers are lookin badd… But I try to pull it together. Breathe, climb, skip, breathe, climb, clip. I’m seeing five more bolts above and then o lordy could it be yes i see it its the gawd damn anchor holy fucking shit thank fuckkkk!!! Ok five more bolts and I still have one two three draws…. And I need two for the top. FUCK. Well whatayagonnado I free solo run out the last four bolts and get to anchor without taking a thirty foot whipper omg omg omg omg thank you thank you thank you clip the anchor take plz take take TAAAAAKE !!!

12:20PM – I clip my PAS and sit in hanging belay and have a good cry.

12:30PM – Yeah I spent ten minutes crying what about it anyway the wind picks up and the sun dips and its freezing why did i leave my jacket like a stupid idiot. I belay raf up and he gives me a hug and that helps a little bit both to calm me down and keep me from freezing my butt off. We belay Lia up and she offers to lead the next pitch because im traumatized.

01:00PM – Lia sets up the belay at the top bless her our sweet sweet angel. Raf follows. I try to not think about how im getting hypothermia probably.

01:30PM – We all get to the ledge on top of pitch 6, and SWIFTLY decide pitch 7 is not in our future. We set up a rappell with no realllll idea of where we’re headed but like down is down right? Lia our fearless savior braves the way down.

03:00PM – We all meet at the hanging rappel station, and we’re thinking we have two raps left to get to the ground. Raf starts pulling the rope, and the rope…. doesn’t move. And at this point I’m ready to call it a day and call in a chopper rescue. But we call our friends (the ones we woke up at 5am hehe) to ask for advice and moral support. And they confer and ask us if we tried pulling the rope hard and we’re like um yes we did in fact try pulling hard and then they were like pull really hard and we were like oookay but then guess what we pulled really hard and it CAME DOWN HAHAHAHAHA

05:00PM – Ground sweet ground o how i have missed youuuu I kiss the dirt and turn around to start packing everything only to find that squirrels chewed through our bags and ate all our food :))))))) whatevvvvvsssss we start the hike back

05:05PM – We immediately get lost and can no longer find the trail. We go try to hike down bc hey we wanna get down right? wrong there are so many spiky plants and everything you step on is loose. so we go up to try and see where the trail is but we can’t see anything. So we repeat that cycle again a couple more times then realize it’s gonna get dark soon and we keep going around in circles and so we are like ok lets just go the fuck down. so we do and we keep seeing these damn cairns and none of them are on any semblance of a trail so cairns are a fuckin scam.

08:00PM – Lia falls on a cactus i accidentally kick one its about to get dark and we still have no idea where we’re going.

09:00PM – Headlamps ablaze Lia finally FINALLY sees the gd trail (damn Lia was such a damn mvp that day im gonna text her and thank her again for saving my life)

10:30PM – We finally make it back to the parking lot. We load up the car, and drive the fuck home.

11:00PM – Our angel hero friends who saved us from calling a heli rescue were already back at the airbnb and waiting for us with beer and tacos god bless their souls

12:00PM – Showered. Dead. Expeditiously passing the fuck out. Happy happy happy.

Flying Hawaiian 5.11b | Rumney, NH

I’ve always wanted to write about a climb and now that climbing szn is almost upon us I gotta get stoked to poop my pants crying on the greatest! climb! in! the! world! which also happens to be TERRIFYING and AWFUL god why is it so scary? I’ll tell you why:

Flying Hawaiian (mtp linked for more info) is the name of a climb at Rumney, it is a 5.11b which means very very hard for us mortals – and very very easy for all the hardos at Rumney. It is in fact the baby-est climb on the wall full of 5.12’s and up, which is excellent news because everyone there is always just there for the hard stuff and there’s never a wait for Flyin’, but it is also terrible news because while I am doin a cry in my slab corner there are people literally hanging upside down with nothing but their KNEES (ya you read that right) watching me implode in terror and laughing at me. So pros and cons. Now you may be wondering: “I’m not wondering anything just get to the point,” and that is a valid thing to wonder! However, you may also be wondering “wait Jad if this climb sucks why do you wanna do it?” Great question; it does suck but it is also ~b e a u t i f u l~ so I must do it because I love it even though I hate it. Cool? Cool. Now, the climb:

Flying Hawaiian can be divided into three parts: the boulder problem start, the dihedral roof middle, and finally the iconic death slab corner of terror (it is bad and I hate it so much but it is perfect and I love it). There’s also the STOOPID finish but that’s less important I just have strong feelings (of hate) about it.

Part 1: The Boulder Problem Start

Criiiiiiiimp city. But like slopey crimps? Everyone’s favorite. It took me more and my friend like 20min just to get off the ground. Doesn’t help that between the ground and the cliff is a huge drop-off, so its a lil stressful if you like your legs not broked. It’s kinda solid when dialed down though; the feet are grabáje with my shit technique, but they’re enough to get you up to a solid right hand crimp. Allegedly there is a way to also use the left hand on a pinch, but if you’re dumb like me you would just crimp dumb hard with your dumb left on a dumb bad hold instead (because, as we have established, dumb). Then ya bump the right hand to a bad crimp, ya bump it to a better crimp, then ya bump it to a jug, clip, and its jugz for dayz up to a ledge you can rest on. Dope! But not dope for long my friends, not dope for long…

Part 2: The Dihedral Roof

ignore the potato quality

I spent 40 minutes on this bad boy my first go, and I have no idea what the hell I ever do to get up it. Last time I punted like five times before a stronk climber yelled at me to “use da foot better” and then I did the exact same thing again but this time it worked. Classic. As you can see in the pictures above, the beta is who the fuck knows what even how. You go a lil horizontal. Hands get thrown, sometimes they land on holds. My left foot somehow always ends up in a heel-toe cam because every time I think “yo what if I…” and then every time I immediately try it only to realize “fuck fuck fuck how do I get my foot out I’m gonna break my ankle take take take… Ok ok got it… Hey watch me here I’m gonna be Trying Hard ok?” And then a biiiig reach over the protruded rock into the corner where the roof meets the big wall. In that bottom left picture of the grid, I’m about to reach into the corner. There’s a nice big crack in there that I can use to pull the roof and mantle onto the ledge. Dope Dope! But -deja vu- not dope dope for long my friends, not dope dope for long…

Part 3: The Iconic Death Slab Corner of Terror (It is Bad and I Hate It So Much but It is Perfect and I Love It)

This fucker. I don’t even know what to say. You just did two techy boulder problems. Surely, you say to yourself, surely by now the worst is over. Hoooooo buddy you have no idea. You are in the corner. It feels safe. Like the nice wall is giving you a big hug. “Look how wavy I am” the rock says to you “look how safe.” And you smile. Like the FOOL you are. And then you see a small hold by your knee. You step on it. IDIOT. Then there’s a small indent in the rock for your palm. You push up off of it. IMBECILE. You realize you can put your left foot on the other wall of the corner, and oh look there’s a nice chip just where you need it to be to step a little higher with the right. And now, only now do you realize your hubris. But there is no turning back. You take your right foot off the wall, and you realize there’s NOTHING. Eyes wide in terror, you put your foot on the flat rock, and you think “ok, we’re just going to pretend there’s a hold there.” And you step up, wondering why anyone would climb anything ever. Same shit with the left foot. Nothing. Pretend. Step. Part of your soul dies with every leap of faith. You’re so stressed that when you see the credit-card-thick crimps for your hands, you’re ecstatic. Joy doesn’t last long as you see you’re only halfway up, and those are the only holds you get. Some fucking how, you press and twist and squeeze and poop your pants enough to make it up to a shallow horizontal crack, juuuust wide enough in a couple spots for you to squeeze the tip of your fingers into. “Almost there” you think, because you’re a stupid idiot dumb-dumb who doesn’t learn. You move right, along the crack, away from the corner, moving both feet off any chips and onto blank wall. And you look up. And the wall laughs at you, as you see that the jug marking the end of the nightmare, is a fucking full arms reach away.

So to recap, you’re mentally exhausted from stressin on this piece of shit beautiful impeccable slab. You’re physically exhausted from being three quarters up a climb. You’re on two bad crimps with your hands, fingers aching because you’ve been on these holds too long already. Feet *literally* smearing against nothing but blank wall. And you have to somehow JUMP up a FULL ARM up to get the jug. But you’re so fed up with this bullshit, that you think “ugggghhhh what the hell!!!!!1 fuck! this!” and you just fuckin dyno. Feet off, hands up, clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. And by some act of GOD you stick the jug. You did it pal, you did it. You pull up to the ledge, move up some more jugs to stand on a final nice ledge and you can see the anchor a couple of feet away. You think you’re home free. Because. You’re. A. Stupid. Idiot. Poopy pants. Who. Never. Learns.

Bonus Part 4: Where The Hell Is The Stupid Anchor I’m Done Climbing Just Fucking Get Me Down From Here Please

pic of the full climb from mountainproject

So you see the top part of the climb? At the end of the wavy slab, you can get up to that ledge jutting out to the right. There is an anchor there. But is that your climb’s anchor? Not a chance, you silly buffoon. Look up. See that big flat triangle at the very top of the wall? Where that high tree is? THAT, you god damn monkey brain, is where your anchor is, a super mario triple jump away from you. So with a dark sadness in your heart of hearts, you climb behind the triangle, and you do a stupid mantle over the stupid triangle and lie on your stupid stomach on it. Then you have to get the stupid rope around the stupid rock so you don’t stupid die if you fall. And then you clip the stupid anchor and think “I will never do this stupid stupid ever again in my entire life.” And then you turn around to yell for a lower. And you see this.

And you think “…. God damn it. Yeah. Of course I’ll be back.”

(That’s a real picture from the last time I climbed it in 2020! No filter, no nothing it really looked this magnificent. And having worked through all those moves to get up here? Indescribably joy. It’s my absolute favorite view in the world from my absolute favorite climb.)