Into the Gnar

I spent the weekend snowboarding at Stowe mountain in Vermont. It was probably the last big trip of my first season riding, and I spent the drive back to the city staring at the stars, thinkin about nature and gnar. And then I realized I’m ALWAYS thinkin about nature and gnar, but I haven’t quite figured out how to share my stoke with other people. Like people think they know that “I’m stoked” but like, I’m SSSSSSSSTTTTTTTOOOOOOKKKKKKEEEEEEDDDDDDD you know? No you don’t! That’s what I’m saying! Probably because I just said “stoked” in a different color instead of actually explaining, but that’s how bad I am at talking about it, so maybe I’m better at writing? We’ll find out ok post 1 ready set go we now walk into the gnar

I guess first off what is the gnar? According to google its short for gnarly, so when I think gnar I think of the raddest, bad ass-est, most beautiful lines and routes and trails I’ve been on. I think snowboarding in knee-deep powder in Stowe, weaving between trees so dense you brush against the bark, every turn a close call. I think stemming on Flying Hawaiian in Rumney, pressing into a corner so smooth there’s nothing to keep you on the featureless rock other than friction and psych. There’s definitely adrenaline involved, but it’s about more than chasing thrills. It’s chasing moments where you are so focused, so driven, so excited that everything else melts away from your attention. Moments where you give yourself permission to care about nothing except doing what you’re doing. I can’t even describe how present I feel in those moments. This is in especially stark constant to my “normal life” now, a year into the pandemic and many months into the worst depression I’ve ever experienced. It’s hard to remember and harder to hold onto the joy I felt in those moments. I have been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation, and I am seeing a therapist which has helped, but in all honesty it’s the memories of past- and the hopes for future- outdoor adventures that are keeping me going. And it has felt weird and isolating to not know how to share that.

LOOK AT THIS. THE TREES. THE SKY. THE MOUNTAINS.

If you are not an outdoor sports person, I know how melodramatic and weird and maybe even unhealthy this might sound. I don’t know if there’s any way to bridge that gap in lived experience, because when I talk to some friends it feels like we are living in two completely different worlds. And I guess in a lot of ways we are. But as a last ditch effort to maybe not alienate all my friends after just the first post: think of the sickest insta video you’ve seen. Like a snowboarder or skier doing a backflip over a dropoff and making it look so effortless (it is not). But picture yourself there. Like, you’re there you’re IN IT and you’re DOING IT. And the stakes are high you know? Like it’s no joke, what you do and how you do it actually matters because your safety is riding on it. But you trust yourself and you crush it, and for just a little bit, you’re the one single person having the absolute most fun in the entire world for it. It’s an incredible feeling. It is life-changing to experience, and it! is! out! there! For you! Waiting! We just have to fucking reach out and do it (in a sustainable, inclusive, Earth-centered and community-centered way). If that made any sense, that’s what I’m hoping this blog will be about.

We are so lucky to have this. It’s a tragedy that outdoor access is often unsustainable (bulldozing trees, energy to run lifts, beer cans littering the slopes, etc…) More on that in another post.

This is getting mad long for a first post that isn’t even really about anything. So therefore thusly and in conclusion I am writing this blog to stay sane and explain to my people how I feel without sounding completely crazy, and if black diamond decides to sponsor me or outside magazine decides to give me a job so that I can do what I love without having to grind myself into the ground for a phd I don’t even know if I want but kinda have to get so I can keep from getting deported and literally rotting away in Lebanon… Well that would be nice too. Anyway here is a video of me snowboarding at Mount Snow a couple of weeks ago (UGH look at how BEAUTIFUL nature is) hopefully my next post will be more about Jad sending the gnar and less about Jad moping about wanting to send the gnar.