I’ve always wanted to write about a climb and now that climbing szn is almost upon us I gotta get stoked to poop my pants crying on the greatest! climb! in! the! world! which also happens to be TERRIFYING and AWFUL god why is it so scary? I’ll tell you why:
Flying Hawaiian (mtp linked for more info) is the name of a climb at Rumney, it is a 5.11b which means very very hard for us mortals – and very very easy for all the hardos at Rumney. It is in fact the baby-est climb on the wall full of 5.12’s and up, which is excellent news because everyone there is always just there for the hard stuff and there’s never a wait for Flyin’, but it is also terrible news because while I am doin a cry in my slab corner there are people literally hanging upside down with nothing but their KNEES (ya you read that right) watching me implode in terror and laughing at me. So pros and cons. Now you may be wondering: “I’m not wondering anything just get to the point,” and that is a valid thing to wonder! However, you may also be wondering “wait Jad if this climb sucks why do you wanna do it?” Great question; it does suck but it is also ~b e a u t i f u l~ so I must do it because I love it even though I hate it. Cool? Cool. Now, the climb:
Flying Hawaiian can be divided into three parts: the boulder problem start, the dihedral roof middle, and finally the iconic death slab corner of terror (it is bad and I hate it so much but it is perfect and I love it). There’s also the STOOPID finish but that’s less important I just have strong feelings (of hate) about it.
Part 1: The Boulder Problem Start
bumping to the decent crimp, note the feet doing NOTHING 
jugzzzz for dayzzzzz
Criiiiiiiimp city. But like slopey crimps? Everyone’s favorite. It took me more and my friend like 20min just to get off the ground. Doesn’t help that between the ground and the cliff is a huge drop-off, so its a lil stressful if you like your legs not broked. It’s kinda solid when dialed down though; the feet are grabáje with my shit technique, but they’re enough to get you up to a solid right hand crimp. Allegedly there is a way to also use the left hand on a pinch, but if you’re dumb like me you would just crimp dumb hard with your dumb left on a dumb bad hold instead (because, as we have established, dumb). Then ya bump the right hand to a bad crimp, ya bump it to a better crimp, then ya bump it to a jug, clip, and its jugz for dayz up to a ledge you can rest on. Dope! But not dope for long my friends, not dope for long…
Part 2: The Dihedral Roof
I spent 40 minutes on this bad boy my first go, and I have no idea what the hell I ever do to get up it. Last time I punted like five times before a stronk climber yelled at me to “use da foot better” and then I did the exact same thing again but this time it worked. Classic. As you can see in the pictures above, the beta is who the fuck knows what even how. You go a lil horizontal. Hands get thrown, sometimes they land on holds. My left foot somehow always ends up in a heel-toe cam because every time I think “yo what if I…” and then every time I immediately try it only to realize “fuck fuck fuck how do I get my foot out I’m gonna break my ankle take take take… Ok ok got it… Hey watch me here I’m gonna be Trying Hard™ ok?” And then a biiiig reach over the protruded rock into the corner where the roof meets the big wall. In that bottom left picture of the grid, I’m about to reach into the corner. There’s a nice big crack in there that I can use to pull the roof and mantle onto the ledge. Dope Dope! But -deja vu- not dope dope for long my friends, not dope dope for long…
Part 3: The Iconic Death Slab Corner of Terror (It is Bad and I Hate It So Much but It is Perfect and I Love It)
about to start, likely sobbing 
see that corner in the right? see how there are no real holds on either wall? yeah…. das where u climb 
post-dyno, guarantee I had just yelled “THANK FUCK” as soon as my hand touched that beautiful beautiful jug
This fucker. I don’t even know what to say. You just did two techy boulder problems. Surely, you say to yourself, surely by now the worst is over. Hoooooo buddy you have no idea. You are in the corner. It feels safe. Like the nice wall is giving you a big hug. “Look how wavy I am” the rock says to you “look how safe.” And you smile. Like the FOOL you are. And then you see a small hold by your knee. You step on it. IDIOT. Then there’s a small indent in the rock for your palm. You push up off of it. IMBECILE. You realize you can put your left foot on the other wall of the corner, and oh look there’s a nice chip just where you need it to be to step a little higher with the right. And now, only now do you realize your hubris. But there is no turning back. You take your right foot off the wall, and you realize there’s NOTHING. Eyes wide in terror, you put your foot on the flat rock, and you think “ok, we’re just going to pretend there’s a hold there.” And you step up, wondering why anyone would climb anything ever. Same shit with the left foot. Nothing. Pretend. Step. Part of your soul dies with every leap of faith. You’re so stressed that when you see the credit-card-thick crimps for your hands, you’re ecstatic. Joy doesn’t last long as you see you’re only halfway up, and those are the only holds you get. Some fucking how, you press and twist and squeeze and poop your pants enough to make it up to a shallow horizontal crack, juuuust wide enough in a couple spots for you to squeeze the tip of your fingers into. “Almost there” you think, because you’re a stupid idiot dumb-dumb who doesn’t learn. You move right, along the crack, away from the corner, moving both feet off any chips and onto blank wall. And you look up. And the wall laughs at you, as you see that the jug marking the end of the nightmare, is a fucking full arms reach away.
So to recap, you’re mentally exhausted from stressin on this piece of shit beautiful impeccable slab. You’re physically exhausted from being three quarters up a climb. You’re on two bad crimps with your hands, fingers aching because you’ve been on these holds too long already. Feet *literally* smearing against nothing but blank wall. And you have to somehow JUMP up a FULL ARM up to get the jug. But you’re so fed up with this bullshit, that you think “ugggghhhh what the hell!!!!!1 fuck! this!” and you just fuckin dyno. Feet off, hands up, clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. And by some act of GOD you stick the jug. You did it pal, you did it. You pull up to the ledge, move up some more jugs to stand on a final nice ledge and you can see the anchor a couple of feet away. You think you’re home free. Because. You’re. A. Stupid. Idiot. Poopy pants. Who. Never. Learns.
Bonus Part 4: Where The Hell Is The Stupid Anchor I’m Done Climbing Just Fucking Get Me Down From Here Please
So you see the top part of the climb? At the end of the wavy slab, you can get up to that ledge jutting out to the right. There is an anchor there. But is that your climb’s anchor? Not a chance, you silly buffoon. Look up. See that big flat triangle at the very top of the wall? Where that high tree is? THAT, you god damn monkey brain, is where your anchor is, a super mario triple jump away from you. So with a dark sadness in your heart of hearts, you climb behind the triangle, and you do a stupid mantle over the stupid triangle and lie on your stupid stomach on it. Then you have to get the stupid rope around the stupid rock so you don’t stupid die if you fall. And then you clip the stupid anchor and think “I will never do this stupid stupid ever again in my entire life.” And then you turn around to yell for a lower. And you see this.
And you think “…. God damn it. Yeah. Of course I’ll be back.”
(That’s a real picture from the last time I climbed it in 2020! No filter, no nothing it really looked this magnificent. And having worked through all those moves to get up here? Indescribably joy. It’s my absolute favorite view in the world from my absolute favorite climb.)
Into The Gnar 